Sex is a wondrous and mysterious thing, especially if you are a basement-dwelling 35-year-old with the mating potential of a hermaphrodite snail (that, my unscientific friends, is a masturbation joke. Hermaphrodites are biological organisms that can mate with themselves…; school’s out!)
The thing is that when something like sex is wondrous, mysterious, powerful, and terrifying, it tends to develop an aura of mythology around it, including narratives so insane that they could never be real. Or at least you thought they never could because these are crazy sex myths that are actually true.
If you’re unfamiliar with the fear-mongering, chauvinist literature of the Dark Ages, let me introduce you to vagina dentata – but keep your distance. And that’s because the myth of vagina dentata has a bit of tooth. Actually, it’s a vagina that is covered in teeth with the ability to bite down and hold on to their partners’ wee Mr. Winkies or, in the worst-case scenario, bite it off completely.
The American Journal of Forensic Medicine and Pathology reported back in 1989 that one woman had a benign embryonic tumor growing on her vaginal wall, according to an NBC News article. The tumor apparently contained teeth. But wait, it gets even more horrifying: the tumor was actually the woman’s unborn twin that was assimilated during pregnancy. Yes, the pearly whites in her hoo-ha were, in fact, those of her unborn twin’s! Kinda makes you want to do the Italian Spiderman guy’s silent scream, doesn’t it?
You’ve all heard it at least once: you’re at a party talking and socializing when, suddenly, some drunken guy/girl says: “I once knew a girl in my dorm that got stuck with her boyfriend and had to go to the hospital to get unstuck”. Once you get over the rudeness of aforementioned drunk person butting into a conversation about the societal repercussions of moving from coal to petroleum-based fuels, you start to wonder if that story really is true, but then another friend and fellow conversationalist chimes in: “I went to camp and two of the adult camp counselors had to be taken to hospital at night because the same thing happened to them!”
Well, to everyone’s horror, I would like to tell you that this is a bona fide, honest to goodness risk of doing the deed. And it happened as recently as last year when a couple decided to have sex in the ocean. It even has a scientific name (although it’s not exactly obtuse): penis captivus.
Relax! No, relaxing is literally how you get out it…; or by administering anesthetic to one of the two partners. You can proverbially relax, too, because it’s a rare occurrence – but, due to the humiliation associated with it, that’s probably because such cases often go completely unreported.
Love Hurts, Bites…; and Kills
No, this isn’t a pitch for some hyper-violent Tarantino flick where a lovable redneck waitress named Love goes out to enact bloody revenge on the people that ran out on their bill. This is actually about love bites, aka hickeys, and how they can kill you (as if you needed any more fuel to scare your teenage children out of having sex).
If the offending (both socially and physically) hickey is close to a major artery, it can result in a blood clot which, in turn, could result in a stroke which, in turn, could result in partial or full paralysis, or even death. It’s like a merry-go-round of sex maladies.
Although I take FOX News reports with a boulder of salt (yeah, a grain just seemed too small) because they have hilariously had egg on their face multiple times, they did correctly report back in 2011 that a New Zealand lost the use of her left hand as a result of a badly placed love bite.
Also, there have been multiple reports of people dying not from foreplay but from the actual deed of sex, including Pope Paul II who was rumored to have died whilst being sodomized by a page boy.
I was trying to avoid this one due to the unspoken pact amongst men that genital injury is never, ever talked about. But I get paid to write, and the crazier, the better. So, here goes: you can break your fully erect member, or your man-bone if you will. Although the engorged male unit is often referred to as a “bone” and, in that context, the saying “dog with a bone” changes terrifyingly, the blood vessels that make it seem like a bone can actually rupture with an audible “pop” or “crack”, according to ER doctors…; You know what? I’m done with this. Writing with my legs crossed and cringing isn’t really inspiring.
Cheating IS a Deadly Sin
Yes, dogma be damned (damn it, now I’m going to hell), but being engaged in extramarital hanky panky can actually get you killed. Oh, and just to add injury to injury and death (yeah, “insult to injury” doesn’t have shit on this one), it’s been well-documented that penile fractures (the above thing we do not speak of) are more frequent when the copulating couple is an unfaithful one. Granted, one percent of all deaths happened mid-thrust but of that one percent, almost all of them were cheaters. Come on, science, Catholics are already full of themselves…; do really have to give them more fodder?
Bored and Married
Most people think that married people have less sex than their unquenchable, sexually-charged single counterparts. A fact that is completely wrong! I know, right? It’s crazy! My life to this point has been a complete and utter lie!
Well, according to Kinsey Institute, a whopping 56.9% of single people between the ages of 18 and 24 have not had sex in the past year compared to a minuscule 4.2% of married people (because, no matter how bad you f*ck up, there’s always someone around to give you a “birthday” present…; I’m making that up, but it seems plausible, right?)
The myth is further disproved when it was shown that only 2.2% of single people visited Bone Town more than four times a week compared to 20.8% of married people. I mean, with that frequency, they should be getting a free ride once in a while, or a punch card or something, am I right?