Masturbate Your Way to Great Sex

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Zooey Deschanel bicycle

Athletes dedicate days, months, and even years to perfecting their discipline through intense practice and exercise. You, on the other hand, are about as physical as a banana slug: you only move when looking for food, often leaving slimy trails behind you. There is one physical thing that you enjoy, though, and that’s slapping the salami, soothing the snake, spanking the monkey, or more scientifically: choking the chicken – no, that’s not it…; Um…; masturbation! That’s it!

Well, as you are furiously “practicing” your craft, I’d like to let you know that it can also make you better at sex, and the benefits of sex are many, but that’s if you can manage to find someone to have sex with you.

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This is how to masturbate your way to great sex!

Use It Or Lose It

Macaulay Culkin in Home Alone

Oh my God, what do you mean, “Lose it”?!

Hey, hey, relax! That doesn’t mean your winky is going to fall off; I’m actually referring to your libido, as in your sexual appetite. To function sexually, the body needs a chemical called nitric oxide and, by masturbating, that chemical is kept at a high level (in your case, higher than recommended…; but hey, what can a poor single self-lover do?)

If you go through a period of – ahem! – inactivity, it might take longer to reawaken this system and get your groove on…; your vertical groove that is. In men, this chemical promotes erections and, in women, lubrication. Thus, keeping levels of this chemical high is beneficial to both sexes, so masturbate for better sexual function, folks!

In Touch (Ha! Pun Intended)

Finger on frosted glass

Innuendo…

Knowing what you like to be done to your downstairs neighbor, or your nether region, can be trial and error. Sure, you’ve been running R&D on your pleasure centers since you were about 13, and that will pay off in the bedroom (again, considering you have a willing participant). Knowing what you like, and where you like it, will pay dividends in the end, allowing you and your partner a better intimate experience. Sure, it’s a little strange that you like to pat your head as you rub one out, but the bedroom has no rules…; all’s fair in love and masturbation. Take a look in the mirror; you might be the next poster boy/girl for masturbation.

Gross Old People Sex

Old couple

DAMN IT, NANA! KEEP YOUR HANDS ON THE TABLE! Grandpa, please, stop making that face!

First off, do not, under any circumstances, search this entry’s subheading on Google! An aging male urologic study conducted in 2008 found that men that engaged in sexual activity, including the hand-made type, kept their sexual performance firmly into their 70s…; shudder!

The study followed 900 geriatric gland fondlers (that were soloists or featured guests in the salacious symphony of sex) in their 50s, 60s, and 70s, and found that the ones that did the deed at least once a week kept their performance O-worthy. As if this study wasn’t cringe-worthy enough, it showed that any type of sexual activity helped, including the good ole knuckle shuffle (both self-enacted and assisted), the use of sexual aids, and oral stuff…; gross old people oral stuff. And you came here thinking this article was going to be sexy – Sucker, ha! (See what I did there? Sucker? Get it?)

Virtual Sex

Woman wearing virtual reality headset

Honka Honka in 3D!

If you have a partner that is disinterested in sex, or unavailable (which might be the case for traveling salespeople), masturbation can be proxy sex. It carries most of the benefits of the dirty deed but without the risk of contracting sexually transmitted diseases…; unless your hand has been stepping out on you without you knowing.

Just Another Image for the Road, Because What’s Funnier Than Innuendo?

Snake charmer

90% of this image is pretty much phallic.

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