The Chronicles of Stupid: Bad Criminals

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The best way to make yourself feel smart is to compare your intellect with – how do I put this lightly? – people that are less than academic. Although intelligence is beneficial in any profession, there are certain jobs that involve so many variables that a higher than average IQ (or lack thereof) can be instrumental (or detrimental) to your success.

Even though it’s not immediately obvious, one such job is being a career criminal, contrary to the dumb criminal stereotype. Being stupid at work can get you fired, but being a stupid criminal can have much more dire results. Let’s have a laugh at the expense of these extremely dense criminals, and don’t worry, they won’t come for us – considering they’re in jail.

See Also: 7 Most Ridiculous Reasons People Were Fired

As Dense as Rush Hour Traffic

The header might not make sense right now, but it will in a moment. Ruben Zarate must have been exhausted of being in debt when he decided to rob a muffler shop back in 2008 (get it? Exhausted? Muffler Shop? That is the last time I waste a perfectly good pun on you judgmental bastards! That’s the best I can do!)

Zarate wanted the big bucks which were in the safe, which could only be opened by the manager. The problem was that the manager was out, so Zarate thought “why waste a trip?” and proceeded to give the cashier his phone number to contact him when the manager returned. If you’re still wondering why that was a stupid idea, let me reiterate: Zarate wanted to be contacted when the manager returned so that he could go back and rob the shop’s safe…; via a personal phone number that law enforcement could use to track him!

Giddy Up

Man pushing donkey up

“Dude, who brought the jackass?” “I thought he was your friend!” “No, NOT FRED! The actual donkey!”

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There is a myriad of getaway vehicles that you can choose from as a criminal. I mean, you’re a criminal. You can easily steal any means of transportation your heart desires: cars, motorcycles, boats, hang gliders, and even bicycles can work in a pinch – but as speed is of essence when you are doing illegal sh*t: the faster, the better. Also, you want to make sure that your getaway vehicle will not refuse to move when you need to escape angry owners/cops/gun-toting Good Samaritans.

You know what doesn’t meet those two aforementioned requirements? Donkeys.

Even the slickest of city slickers knows that donkeys are infamously stubborn and not exactly speed demons, a fact that seemed lost on a Colombian band of thieves. First, they stole the donkey and then sought to use said donkey to rob a convenience store. The robbery went pretty smoothly, but when the criminals attempted to get away, the donkey dug in and refused to be an accessory to larceny. Or it’s just because it was a freaking donkey…; dumbasses (see, I did it again. Asses…; Donkey…; Get it?)

Take Away

Man on cellphone

“Hi, could I get all your 50s and 100s, and could I add a couple of hundred of those messed up $2 bills? My nephew loves them.”

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You know when take away is a great idea? After a long week at work, when you can’t be bothered to cook, so you call in your order and pick it up on the way home. You know when it’s a bad idea? When you call the bank and ask them to gather $100,000 for you to pick up.

What’s even worse is that the criminal, and I’m using the term loosely because he didn’t actually manage to commit a crime, gave the bank ample time to gather up the money he was going to make away with…; and call the authorities. He tried to pick up the money but ended up being picked up by cops himself.

Didn’t Feel Like Walking

GTA IV

You don’t carjack outside a prison even in a video game…; Well, you do, but I’m trying to illustrate a point here.

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We’ve all heard the saying “location, location, location”. Well, it seems to be a pretty universal piece of advice. Where do you think is a good place to commit a carjacking? I can’t think of anything either but just play along for a second. Yes, a secluded country road would be nice, the 24-hour parking lot of a big box store would be great, but how about in the parking lot of a correctional facility only minutes after you were released?

Well, it seems that Frank Singleton never heard of “location, location, location” and was also remised to realize that correctional facilities generally house an ample amount of law enforcement officers when he attempted to carjack a woman right outside the prison he was just released from. When he was asked why he did it, he responded that he didn’t feel like walking. Genius. Please, someone give this man a cookie…;

Documentation Not Needed

Women with post-it notes

These are the two power players of the music industry that we will kill. Just remember to keep the post-it note on your forehead so we don’t forget.

YouTube

Okay, so I’ve presented to you three separate cases that prove you really shouldn’t have any type of documentation regarding the crime you seek to commit. That includes video, written or typed text, or audio. These cognitive monsters thought that it didn’t even matter, though. Some people have to really commit to their work to effectively communicate, and Krystian Bala did exactly that. The problem was that the murder of Dariusz Janiszewski wasn’t fake and the book he described it in wasn’t either…; the book actually included enough details regarding the murder he committed that it eventually led the police to investigate Bala’s connection to the cold case, bringing to light that the victim was erotically involved with Bala’s wife (well, now ex-wife). He was nabbed, tagged, and sent to prison for 25 years. Well, at least the book he wrote describing the gruesome deed was a bestseller in his native Poland.

In recent years, we have seen the rise of a different type of dumb deviant: the YouTuber criminal. A certain gentleman from the Sunshine State (Florida) thought he’d get mad views by uploading a “How Not to Commit a Burglary” video to the video-sharing website of his own botched attempt at a robbery. He broke into a restaurant, stayed there when the alarm went off, answered the phone and used his real name when the security company called, and then took a bottle of hard liquor and one – yes, one – beer when he finally made his exit. The crazy thing is that he actually got away with it (initially, at least), but as this is an article about stupid criminals, I imagine you expect things to end differently than: “He got away with it”. You expected right, dear reader: this royal jackass, returned to the restaurant the next day, was recognized by an employee that had seen the security video, and was arrested.

The dumbest of the dumb, though, has to be the guy that was driving around in a car that matched the description of a getaway vehicle used during a bank heist. He was, of course, detained and taken down to the police station, but one of the cops there had one of those magical movie “gut feelings” they had nabbed a bank robber when they saw a bright post-it note that read: “Robbery 100s and 50s only”. It takes years of honing to develop intuition that in-tuned.

See Also: 4 Jobs for the Criminally Insane

Do you know of any other dumbass criminals? Let me know in the comments section below. If you happen to be a dumbass criminal yourself, and your prison cell is WiFi-enabled, feel free to let us know what it feels like to be an absolute idiot.

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